Finding

When the world feels like a huge tangled mess and you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, go outside and find the beauty that exists there, still. Take deep breaths, listen to the birds, and notice the little details. The radiating pain will somehow quiet down, even if it is for a little while.

It has been a little over a month since we discovered that our embabe girl has not made it. It was Mother’s day, the day you’re supposed to be jumping with joy. I would be lying if I told you I am okay, I am not. If you have traveled down this road, you know that it is bumpy and full of ups and downs, for some it feels like a steep down ramp. But like everything that goes down, there's always the hope of finding the turning point and starting climbing up.

In my point of view, that climbing up is the path to finding yourself again, through the massive heartbreak and endless tears. I recently saw an IG reel that said: "You must SAVAGE up your self-care because there's no elevator, so you must climb the stairs." It honestly makes sense, though it feels so draining to go out in the world and start it all over again. It takes a special "kind of strength" that is built from hardness.

I guess that is why "mothers" are so tough, it takes a lot to become a mother, and for some even more. I am constantly fighting myself, checking my mental health, and dealing with the "what ifs" - it feels heavy, to be honest. But then, I find my escape place; the garden.

The garden has been my safe place since I started walking the IVF road. While I avoided pretty much everything - out there, the garden remains, still. I have managed the water, I worked the soil, I planted seeds and I have seen the seeds transform into plants and then into blooms, fruits, and gifts. For some speaking with someone is the help needed to find the light; for me, the plants, the birds, to have a commitment with something that is dependable on me, is my therapy.

When it feels impossible to begin, start where you are.